Look who's back!

I'm sitting here at my desk in school writing reports.

Yes, those report slips you dreaded to show your parents at the end of school term because you feel like ending-it-all-syndrome. Look, teachers dread it too... we hate making judgements, especially when it involves putting pen to paper.

Maybe you had some of these words describing you? Here's what they really mean if you are a parent. (just for laughs okay! i'm stressed remember i'm doing close to 100 comments/ reports)

"@@ is a pleasure to teach and her work is outstanding. She contributes positively in class and shows continual interest."
i.e Your daughter is a lovely and brilliant girl. Thumbs up for your parenting skills!

"@@ is a polite and willing student who has worked hard to achieve above average results."
i.e Your child is courteous and is such a joy to teach!

"@@ has achieved good results through maturity of attitude and consistency of effort."
i.e Your child works hard and does not complain! Give her a treat!

OR

"@@ tends to work erratically and consequently has not achieved a result that @@ is capable of."
i.e Your child is a pain.

"@@'s lack of self discipline in class activities has resulted in a poor standard of work."
i.e He is not doing his work.

"@@ is too easily distracted in class. If greater effort is made next semester to complete all set work, this grade could improve."
i.e Too hyper, give him less sugar for breakfast.

"@@ needs a more organised approach to ensure that all assignments are submitted on the specified date."
i.e Your child needs a file, instead of handing in pieces of scrap out of the bottom of his bag.

"@@ refuses to apply himself fully to the tasks he is assigned either in class or at home."
i.e It would be better if he just stayed home.

And all the other euphemisms teachers use.
expressive= talkative
polite= quiet
enthusiastic and lively= disruptive and noisy
confident= back chatting all the time
responds to incentives= loves bribes

lots more here ...

What the Teacher Says--> What the Teacher Means

Poor attendance is affecting performance -->I think I actually saw your child one time. Long black hair, black clothes, black trenchcoat, smells like cigarette smoke? If you could send in a photo it might help me recognize him if he comes to class again.

Oral communication needs improvement -->Your child's entire vocabulary appears to consist of 117 curse words and two pronouns.

Oral communication has improved -->Your child learned a new curse word this week.

Well-suited to a career in public service--> The phrase "Would you like fries with that?" will be very helpful in your child's future. Have him practice it on a daily basis.

Basic math skills are deficient--> Unfortunately your child can't add one plus one even with a calculator.

Wears inappropriate clothing -->Being dressed like a fifteen-year-old prostitute is probably the reason your daughter got frostbite during the fire drill last week.

Lacking necessary course materials -->Your son lost another textbook. The replacement is $50. Should we put it on his tab?

Parental reinforcement recommended -->If you'd talk to your child for just a few minutes at least once every other month, then maybe it wouldn't come as a complete surprise to find out that she's failing all her classes.

Comes unprepared to class -->No textbook, no pencil, no notebook, no calculator, no homework. Does bring his Nomad Jukebox everday, however.

Does not follow directions well--> In the off chance that your child was actually listening to what was being assigned in the first place, he would refuse to do it anyway.

Follows directions well -->Actually did what was asked for once! Nearly caused a disturbance in the Force.

Written work needs better structure--> If I could read your child's writing, then there might be at least a chance I could grade it.

Written expression is problematic -->Needs to learn that complete sentences typically contain more than one word.

Poor performance on fitness tests -->Puked after walking one lap. Does he ever turn off the vidoe games and get off the couch?

Laboratory skills are deficient -->Lit the student next to him on fire while playing with the bunsen burner.

Please telephone teacher--> Your child's behavior and performance are so far outside our standards that we actually don't have codes to describe him.

Differentiated instruction has been given to student--> I put his lazy butt in another room and and told him to actually attempt to do something for a change.

Student should edit his/her writing more diligently -->The plagiarism was way too easy to catch.


Disrespectful toward teacher and peers--> Your son is a nasty, foul-mouthed, immature, disrespectful brat. Any chance you're moving any time soon?